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Where is it going, where has it been. Each day at look at time and ask it that question. I can look around me and see things around me changing. Like statues of sand in the desert some fade and some become created time is like the wild. The situation with me is where do I stand. When it comes to time with me its as if I'm in the middle of a road. The Future is in front of me, the past is behind me and standing in the middle in a thin line is the present. I know I'm changing, I'm growing older and aging but my heart, my mind I still feel like it isn't so.
I don't fear time nor age if anything each moment I have I'm glad I pulled it this long in life. I just wonder is there a fear or reluctance to see what I can have in the future for myself. Am I afraid to change things that I held on so firmly for so long, am I scared to step out of this bubble of life I have been in.
One thing is for certain for me things will change. Time effects us all and I have to be strong enough to hold through it.
I'm still walking down this trail. Trying to see where I'm going but also more importantly just who I am. Wanting to discover my future, still holding onto to my past, and only glancing at my present.
I can remember before the accident I felt I knew who I was. I thought I knew me. After all that happend it just seems like for all these years I have been trying to get that feeling again.
Days like this where I feel lost and not knowing what to do with myself I just turn to my music. I close my eyes and listen to what ever comes on my winamp. Maybe the beats in the background can help me find myself.
Ah yes once again I can take pictures of the world around me. I recently bought a new camera. Well in fact the same kind of camera that I broke last year around this time. It feels good to take pictures and capture what I can glimpse here and their. Quite a bit of my pictures are of just regular things or what I can try to make out of what I'm seeing. However from time to time I can get a moment that feels like it's a one in a million shot. For me it does feel like a bit of awakening. As if my artistic eye's are opened up after being closed for some time.
I'm planning to go out to the college and take some shot's. One of the things I see is a form of urban of rural artwork all around. For me all my life I grew up in the city sections of Salisbury. While not a big city mind you it still has the qualities and over time they expanded. I find it like a love, hate kind of relationship. I love the multicultural atmosphere of the city and how it feels yet I hate how things tend to seemed so cramped up. When I was younger I thought I'd love to move to a big city when I get older but as I grew up that thought evaporated. I'm content living in a small place like this and would feel much better living in a country section outside of town.
For now however I'm content living in the city sections. Hopefully this week I can get some real good shots of the feel of it. Through my eyes and camera I can capture a bit of beauty in this city.
Today was one of those days that an unexpected event came to me and opened my eyes. At the start it felt like an average day and one that I didn't expect anything new or different to come about. Life seems to show itself at times like that and brings different experiences toward you and makes you decide to take a choice in the cross roads you may face.
Like any other work day I had gotten myself up at noon and got ready for work. When I get together I then venture out into the world and walk on to work. Driving to work isn't so far and only takes several minutes but be it as I walk it takes me a tad bit longer. As I make it to college avenue I walk down the railroad track that crosses that road. As I travel down the railroad track midway through it I spot a man sitting on the tracks. As I come close I see he is a older man quietly eating a burger he's gotten from a fast food place not to far from the tracks. As I walk buy him he begins to speak to me I pause my travel and we chit chat for a bit. He tells me he is a veteran from the Vietnam war. He explains to me about what he has been through and that he needs a few dollars to purchase a few things. I could see that he was a man who has been through a lot and he was also missing his right eye. He wore an old army coat and had on an army hat. He told me he wanted to get some money so he could get a glass eye.
He asked me if I had any cash to spare him. I initially told him I had none on me because I have seen and felt the act of giving folks money and them not using to help themselves. I told him to take care and thanked him for his services that he did for this country. As I walked on he sat back down and continued to finish his meal he was eating. I put on the music back on that I was listening when we first crossed paths and in my mind I began to think. I knew I had twenty dollars to my name and I wanted to spend that money on getting my grandmother a mothers day gift. As I continued to walk it began to eat at me and I knew in my heart that he could use that money to help himself and that he was in a position where he was still fighting a war. Not one against an enemy that he was told to fight but a never ending battle he had to stay alive and continue on living and trying to improve himself.
I stopped and began to think about the words he said to me and the things he told me. I felt he was sincere about fighting in the Vietnam war and I could see the difficult times etched on his body and face that he has been through a lot. I then turned around and began walking back to him. As i approached he got up on his feet. I told him that I checked my wallet and I had twenty dollars he could have. He seemed surprised and some what shocked that I was giving him that amount. As I gave it to him he then gave me a hug and told me god would be with me. I told him to take care and that through my years and the things I been through people have been there for me and that its my turn to be there for others. He then smiled at me and then sat back down as I turn toward the college and continued walking. At that point my heart felt relieved and as though some sort of weight has been taken off of it.
I know I may never meet that guy or ever see him again but in my heart I felt as though I helped a brother out. As I continued walking I had no regret of ill feelings toward myself for giving up that money because I knew it was the right thing to do. I guess the only thing I wished I had done was taken out my camera in my book bag so I could take his picture.
I had told the story to my friends at work and through the day I continued to think about it. As I walked home along the railroad tracks I wondered if I would see the guy again but he was gone. At about the same section that we me a song played on my mp3 player. The Genesis song Another Day in Paradise began to play. I knew the song buy heart and understood its meaning but at the point it started to play I really felt the song. The message that was being told really hit my heart. The characters in the song played a blind eye to those who were in need. I couldn't be some one like that. Another person less fortunate that myself I had to help I had to lend a hand and help them through this struggle of life. Now I didn't expect a parade or people to look at me as some one special for doing it. It was something that should be done on the basis that we all are one. As much as we fight, or try to deny it we all are brothers and sisters in this wonderful home we live in. We should be there for one another and help each other out.
As I saw myself getting close to where the tracks meet college avenue I decided to take my camera out and take a picture of the tracks I travel down. To remember this day and the man that I met. I hope things get better for him and I do wish him better days ahead. The lonely traveler I met I wish him a much better life.
The ups and downs of life are a constant thing we have to deal with. Emotions can play games with our mind, body, and soul. Though thats one of the things that lets us know that we are in fact people and we are alive. For me I have had my ups and down. One thing that has been getting to me is the fact my life has been in such a stand still. As if the last 8 years have been the same and no drastic or dynamic changes have taken place. I know there are some things I want or rather need to change in my life. I just have to find the strength to have them come to play.
The summer is soon to be here and I'm ready for it. I always have dreams of what I want to do during the summer while most wont come true I hope some will. More importantly I really hope the one I wish for does.
I consider me an artist in my own right. I have always had an attachment toward photography. Since I was a child talking pictures was something special, much more than a simple act of doing something. The pictures taken by me through my camera are moments in time that I catch. Each picture I take has a piece of my heart, mind, vision, and soul in it. Sometimes I feel like I'm able to catch a moment I'll never run across again.
Now spring will soon be here and I'd love to go out around town to take some more pictures. I'm going to push forward and get a new camera when I get my next check. Well not really a new new camera I'll get the same version that I had before. I got an attachment to that camera and I want another just like it.
Hopefully my plans will come to pass.
She has her eyes on me. Sara is more than a pet for the family she is more like one of the family. Not saying most people who have pets and love their pets don't hold that stature sorta but rather for my family dogs have been a part of it. I haven't seen her in several weeks and I would like to pay grandma a visit and see the two of them.
I'm waiting for this winter to wrap up. I am will be more than happy to have some warm weather outside now. We have had some on occasion but it fluctuates so much its hard to get a grasp of it. one week being warm to mild then the next two are very cold can mess with one's mind.
Hopefully once it gets warm we can have a family get together and have some fun. Of course once it gets warm I can take Sara outside some to play with her.
