ATTENTION!!!

One thing I find myself yearning for when I am out in public. I want to be notice in some ways and I want the world to see me. In a way I think its because I live a some what seclusive life I'm not saying I am alone by myself and deter any one who wants to mingle with me its just that socially I'm not at a level that I was once at. Their are variable circumstances that can be attributed to this situation or problem I should say. It could be what happened to my eye, my interest in my computer or the internet, or a burning desire to read and learn as much as I can and be with myself. Now there are situations with those things that I go for that can include meeting other people and in the end being more social but deep down I also feel a fear about not being excepted.


At times its often confusing for me or in the end I am the one making it confusing and really its not. What I find that takes me away from being so alone and at times draws attention toward me that I wish to gain is music. Its my heart and its my love I can close my eyes and let my music go through me and it seems as if I'm in another place. I happen to sing a lot of the songs I listen to and that brings a even stronger connection to the music to me. I have a ok voice depending on the song what what I want people to hear is not my voice or its tone but rather the message of the song because to me each of the songs I do listen to has meaning and tell a tale.

In some respects music for me has some complicated fields to it. I love all music just because no matter how good or how crappy it is in some respects its a tale of self expression. That being said I find myself drawing away with some forms of music just because the way they are. I grew up being told I'm black or african american for you PC folks but I very well am no. Technically I have a small sliver of "black" in me being that my grandfather was mixed, my mother is mixed, and my dad is not black so for a while I felt I had been living a lie being told to be something and set to a color boundary when I felt in my heart I should be free. This goes from music, culture, to just trying to find myself. At this point the music that blacks should be seen as to be liking I don't like. I used to be big into rap, hip hop, or any other of the sub genres that are in it but now I have no love for it and I really don't feel anything out of it. This may be very well a musical evolution on my part. My mind is expanding, my ears are opening, and my eyes are looking for and seeing interesting and better forms of music. I will never be to a point where I would hate that field of music I do see how ever I really don't have any feelings for it and it gives me nothing I wish to hear.

Now to the subject of this post Attention I find that music gains attention to me and draws attention to me. I want people to question what I'm listening to or why I am listening to it. I want to break the walls of conformity with the wrecking ball of creativity. Let me listen to rock, heavy metal, punk, alternative. or the many other fields into it. I want you to see that a person of any color can love that form of music, that form of expression. To me its one of those things idea's change, people change, and society changes and we all have to mold with it. If you don't do that you will end up breaking.

Just something thats I have been thinking about. I hope I grabbed your Attention.

A Moment Of Spring

When I take pictures like these sometimes I feel like I'm in the right place at the right time. I can capture a moment in time and it looks great. I often wonder how some people can ignore the natural beauty of nature. You can see the most beautiful things and just are leaves, grass, dirt, or clouds. I guess it has to deal how open the persons mind is.


This spring this summer I'm not quite sure what I will be doing. What I do know is that I'll be enjoying the warmth and the lasting sunlight. That's one thing I am glad to have back the ability to really see out in the sunlight well I might add and not be bothered by it. When I got that abrasion on my cornea and for those years sunlight no matter how small it was just brought utter pain to my eyes I thought I would never have it the way things once were. I didn't want to live the life of a vampire or pretty much close to it. I'm glad things are better for me though I mean for me one of my greatest loves is walking home from work along the railroad tracks and I look to my left and in between some o the buildings along route 13 I see the sun going down and I'm listening to my music most notably a Dune song because it fits the time. I know its geekish but thats me I love this song when I walk along the railroad tracks. How ever its really good for me because its one of those things that lets me feel alive and lets me know what I have here in this world.

The Young & The Old

Time passes as it always does since its creation. A cousin was lost a few weeks back but days before his death another cousin was brought forth into our family. I was able to catch a picture of grandma and the young cousin and it felt like a new chapter was written in the book of our family.

In my mind and in my eyes grandma is the creator. She brought forth this family and made it as I know it. Grandma has a mom and dad, and they had parents of their own but in my eyes she is the starter of how things are.

I wonder what this young cousin would see and how his world will be. I have a fond memory of growing up and trying to understand and grasp the things my aunts and uncles knew. Now with 25 years under my belt I can look back at what I have learned and look to the future at what I will understand later down this road called life.

Changes In The Family

I woke up to news you never want to hear today. I can always tell when some one has died by the way mom starts to speak to me. It was the same when she told me Jason had died after I got home from the crash, it was the same when she told me Brandon had died, and it was the same when she told me my younger cousin Alan died today.




It's a terrible tragedy and for me its rather strange. Little Alan as I knew him passed away in a car crash early this morning. For me its a strange situation because I now feel like I'm on the opposite end of the spectrum. Ten years ago our family had a terrible car crash where I was in it and out of a car of five I was one of two survivors. In the car was me, my cousin Kevin, his mom Linda, my best friend Jason, and me and Kevin's friend Brandon. Me and Brandon were the only survivors of the crash.

It feels so strange for me to see this happen again and it really hurts my heart to see another family member lose their life over a mistake while driving. I was thinking all day about what should I write about or how I should express myself on my journal about what happened. I haven't seen him in a number if years but still I do have memories of being with him at grandma's along with his brother and sisters my other cousins.

When it comes to death at this point in time I don't look at it as your deeds in live equal out to a final grade on where you spend your afterlife at. In life the main concept is choice we each do good deeds and bad deeds thats what it means to be human. I would just like it to be that as he leaves this mortal plain of existence little alan is able to find a place of piece and where he can be happy.